The Mask!

Song: Clean by Natalie Grant : https://youtu.be/ulf4PXuNV3w

Theme Scripture: Psalm 51:10, 12 “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me”

I remember while in college (as an undergrad) one of my roommate’s friends called me fake. I didn’t understand what she meant or how she gathered those sentiments, but I didn’t agree. But...over the years her words stuck with me. I began to analyze myself and access if I was truly fake or if she was simply someone who didn’t like me.

As years have gone by, I realize (looking back) in some ways she was right. I Wasn't perfect but I see now I had a hard time being my real self and showing my emotions for so much of my life.

I was fake.

I was fake in the sense that I always wore a mask. I never let anyone get too close and I was surface level with everyone. I knew I had this problem but honestly didn't know what to do about it.

I was desperate for others to accept me but I was bruised and broken and had a problem accepting myself.

I wore this mask for so long it became confusing even to myself who I really was. I had a serious identity crisis but I’m thankful that in the last year or two God has brought me into the revelation of his love and is showing me my identity through HIM.

Fake is defined as “not genuine or counterfeit” (dictionary.com). I was not my authentic self. I remember being lively, loving, bold, and daring at a young age but I also remember those parts of me fading away as I grew up and it all seemed it happened so quickly.

Something in me shattered and I ultimately began to display the shattered pieces of myself. I was rude, loud, hurtful, and damaged and that's who I thought I would always be but when I started college, I wanted to make a change so a couple years before starting college (undergrad) I got saved, so for me that was my change.

I entered college as a new person but with a lot of unresolved issues. I thought I could play nice and sweet, but I was a hot mess on the inside. I thought I could lead my roommates and their friend to Christ, but they only saw it as a Holier than thou’ complex. I didn't understand the place I was in. How I can be saved yet struggling with myself and others?

The truth is, you’re a new creature in Jesus once you confess and believe you are saved (2 Corinthians 5:17), but are you submitting your whole life to God? If you’re holding on to bitterness, unforgiveness, resentment, shame, jealousy, envy, gossip, guilt, the pain from your past, and a false awareness of yourself, etc.. then no. And that's where the real work starts, in the condition of your heart, and I believe it’s an ongoing journey to become more like Jesus and become our true selves in God.

My inner working required me confronting some things about myself I didn’t want to confront. Things that while left covered caused me to hurt others and keep them at a distance, and even keep myself guarded from God. Yes, God knows all things, but he is not going to force you to walk deeper in intimacy and relationship with HIM, you have to make that choice yourself. I continually chose to run away instead.

For so long, I learned the art of repressing. I became great at repressing my hurt and double-minded ways and it seem no one noticed. Except this one girl who called me out. Even with her few words “you’re fake” she saw me.

I tried brushing this off as I did everything else, but her words had shaken me on the inside without me realizing it until years later. I now believe, that God was using that moment and many other moments to set me on a path of authenticity and identity.

The dilemma I began to face was not wanting to be fake and not wanting to really see myself either, but I had to move in either direction

...over and over again I chose my mask.

I chose to smile even though I was depressed, I chose to accept anything anyone wanted to give me knowing it wasn’t their best (now I know I deserve better), I chose petty friendships over strong support systems and I settled in places where no one questioned my identity, no one pushed me outside my box and everyone around me was okay with my brokenness.

Being fake is being okay with mediocrity; its okay with a shallow version of yourself.It doesn't require you to dig deeper.

I saw glimpses of my true self, but she scared me because she had a hope that she could live beyond her brokenness.

That her scars weren’t permanent wounds but spaces that could and would be healed.

If I took off my mask back then it would have caused me to confront things I wasn’t willing to confront.

It would have caused me to get real about my walk with God; which at the time I honestly didn’t really want to fully commitment to a God I didn’t really know and I didn’t know him because that would have meant showing him all of me and spending time with him. Yeap, I wore a mask with God as well.

I didn’t know who I was, who I wanted to be, or much of anything about myself. With my mask on I could be whoever everyone else wanted me to be and I was. I played my roles well. But it left me empty, vacant and seeking for myself in all the wrong places.

Fast-forward; presently, I write to you from a place of confidence that God can handle your brokenness and as you let him in your heart, he will unveil things that will make you uncomfortable but will also make you better.

I know you think you’re too messed up but what God has shown me is that he is not afraid of your dirtiness or anything you may carry.

If God can send his son, Jesus, to die an ugly, dirty, gut-wrenching death, if he can carry the weight of all our sins on his shoulders ( the cross) and bear the weight of love for us all, how much more can he handle your mess?

Your mess is not greater than a victorious king, a messiah who rose in spite of being crucified with the weight of the sins of the world. If he can defeat death, sin, and conquer the grave how much more can he put you back together again?

He can and he will. LET God finish the work he has begun in you (Philippians 1:6 & Romans 8:28-30), because it is a work, he is willing and ready to complete (it will take time but embrace and enjoy the journey). You are not too messed up.

Hear me today, as you read this, some of you are on the edge of a break down, but let that be your push to a break through.

PUSH through. You have a life to live, you are not a mistake, your scars are not too ugly, yes they hurt and the memory of what you have endured or the fresh smell of what you're currently enduring doesn’t not mean you cannot rise from the ashes . You can rise with God on your side.

All things are possible through Jesus.

Let me leave you with this, After I graduated college with my master’s degree, I knew my walk with God had to change. I knew there needed to be a shift in my intimacy with God. It was time to stop wearing my mask, it was time to stop holding a stick between God and myself. It was time to draw close to God.

So, God used the next 6 months following my masters’ graduation to bring me to my knees, to get me in a place of surrender. I couldn’t find a job and I had to go back home (I see my hometown as a wilderness place), and I had nothing but free time to get to know God and myself. It felt like a long season, a season of frustration, but also a season of freedom and growth. I was set free from religion and walked into relationship with Jesus in that season.

In short, here is what God taught me….

You cannot know yourself without knowing your creator, your father God. You cannot love yourself without knowing, accepting, and embracing the love of God and you will forever hide yourself if you don’t build your confidence in God/Jesus.

You can draw close by spending quality time with God. In this, you pray (as often as you can), you read the word, you worship, you cry out, you dance, you shout , you get free in your worship, free in your praise, free in prayer.. You get real. You tell God what’s really going on with you. You lay it all his feet and you become familiar with surrender.

Get to know who God is and you will learn who you really are. Through Jesus Christ you are a child of God and you are loved (Galatians 4:4-7).

Come to the end of yourself. Let Go and trust God.

Start seeing yourself through the eyes of God! You are more than the pain you cover up , you are more than what happened or what is happening to you, its okay to shine your light (Matthew 5:14-15).

I am praying for you all and pray God speaks to you through this post. Be blessed,

Sincerely, Tkeyah